zoe's world

i just took a head count and zoe has over 50 stuffed toys in her room alone.
25 of them are on her bed.
there are another 30-odd in the playroom downstairs.
to her credit, she loves them each and all, wholly. she keeps a rotation list in her head as to who gets the coveted position of sleeping in her arms every night. and it's always a different one from whoever got picked to go in the car with her during the day. i have never seen her play favorites.

(which of course brings me to Humpty-Guy. a sad, cute little humpty-dumpty doll that was the object of ozzie's obsession from age 18-24 months. then he was disgarded upon the discovery of Woody. from Toy Story. it doesn't sound good when you have a 2 year old boy playing with his woody in the playground. "woody! wooooodddyyyyy! where's my woody?!? oh! there you are! WOOOOOODDDDDYYYYY!!!"

anyway, i can't even look Humpty-Guy in the eyes, but i do keep him away from the toybox, so as not to have him fall to the bowels and never to be seen again. i keep him prominent in the "bins", but just an arm or leg sticking out so as not to seem too desperate PLAY WITH MEEEEE but also so he is not forgotten. and i have seen Toy Story 500 times too many.)

zoe sees noah (the cat) cleaning himself...

zoe: mommy, what's dat pointy fing?
me: that's his peenie.
zoe: but why is it sticking out?
me: i don't know.
zoe: but why is he licking it?
me: he's just cleaning himself. that's how cats take baths.
zoe: but where's eli's peenie?
me: i don't know. it's not sticking out, is it?
zoe: no... maybe it's under all his fur.
me: yes, maybe. finish your hotdog.

zoe waits for Nana to come out of the bathroom...

"good job, nana! you did it!"

ozzie gets a new book...

ozzie: it's called Walter the Farting Dog.
mom: you know who else's name is Walter? Papa!
ozzie: well then it would be called Walter the Farting Human.

late-night ozzyism

while carrying him up to his bedroom, after falling asleep in the car...

"daddy? if we wanted a fire in the fireplace, and you put newspapers in the bottom, all around, and then put a log on top of the newspaper, and then we found out we didn't have any matches... i could start the fire with my heat vision."

ozzy's future...

"when i grow up, i want to be a limo driver."

zoe, after throwing a Tootsie Roll wrapper on the floor...

"uh, ozzy, guess what. i just littered."

ozzy, about a recent bad dream...

"i don't want to tell daddy about it. i think it will be too scary for him."

and now, a few words from zoe...

me: zoe, do you want to take a walk later to see the turtle, ducks and geese?
zoe: i don't like the geeses!
you don't? why not?
because the big ones talk to me TOO LOUD!

ozzy wakes me up at 3am...

mom, i just pulled something out of my tushy.
WHAT?!?
oh, it was just a fart.

playing in the sandbox, making a sand cake...

"now we need a bash of baking powder. what a minute! that's not a bash! that's a smidge!"

voicemail left for daddy:

Daddy! I'm home NAKED!
TOTALLY NAKED!
No pants!
No shirt!
No SOCKS!
I'M NAKED!!!!!
(pause)
Kay. BYE!

Ozzy-isms.

the first words out of ozzy's mouth upon waking up in the morning:
ugh! why are all the ceilings so low?!?

but what will i do without you?

those berries are for little birds to eat!

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he started asking me detailed questions about how a baby is made. specifically, what the "seed" and what the egg looks like.
ozzy: can we see pictures of them on the computer?
me: uh i am not sure.
can you look to see if there are videos?
no ozzy, there are NO videos of them on the computer (just what i need, right?)
please???? can you just look???
no, NO videos on the computer! oh! (remembering i have that book "where did i come from") but i do have a book for you to see.

is it a pop-up book?
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what did the T-Rex say to the Pterodactyl?
"ROARRRRRRRR!"
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"i don't want to be 5 years old. i am only used to being 4 years old."
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"i want to play after i eat. that's the dessert."
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"mommy, i love these meringue cookies. i love them. i will love them forever and ever. even when i die."
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we were at the supermarket and he saw a tank full of lobsters. he asked why are they there? i told him because some people buy them to eat them. he said "people don't eat lobsters! they're animals!"
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daddy: ozzy, i am so proud of you. how do you feel?
ozzy: i feel proud of myself. i feel like a 10 year old.
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ozzy's watching one of his shows- "between the lions", its kinda like The Electric Company for those who remember it. anyway, they spell out the word PARROT and show a picture of a parrot.
he turns to me and says, "i fink that was a scarlet macaw."
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ozzy: why don't you wear driving clothes when you drive?
me: there are no special driving clothes.
ozzy: when i ride my bike, i wear bike clothes.
me: right, but when you drive, you can wear any kind of clothes you want.
(pause)
ozzy: can you wear a bathing suit?
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"at the grown up store, they have BIG guitars just the right size for you and daddy. and at the baby store, they have little teeny tiny guitars just for zoe. and at the three and a half store, they have a guitar just for me!"
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me: ozzy, which do you like better: dogs or cats?

ozzy: ummm, dogs.

me: oh. so, do you want to get a dog?

ozzy: noooooo, mommy. only cats!
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ozzy: what does the narrator at the planetarium talk about?
me: he talks about the stars and planets and stuff.
ozzy: does he talk about the moon?
me: yes.
ozzy: does he talk about the stars?
me: yes.
ozzy: earth?
me: yes.
ozzy: the moon?
me: yes.
ozzy: hoola hoops?
me: uh, no.
ozzy: potatoes?
me: no.
ozzy: oranges?
me: good night, ozzy.
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daddy: ozzy, i wish i had your energy.
ozzy: well i wish i had YOUR energy, but i only have MY energy.
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about luna moths: "the Luna Moths come out at night (took me a few tries to figure out what he was talking about because "luna moth" was sounding a lot like "moonah lofts" or "moving loths") and they fly around and they have one mouth on their body and they whisper VERY quietly like this..... 'pssst pssst pssst' and they float up to the clouds and walk around and then they fly up to the moon which is VERY far away so I can barely see them and that is where they see their mommy and daddy moonah lofts and their baby sisters who sleep in a little tiny crib and ALSO FIREFLIES come out at night but if they do not blink you CANNOT see them..."
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what's inside air?
what makes the wind stop?
what does "dammit" mean?
what color are farts?
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"you know, an air bug, is shaped like thunder and lightning, and when it camouflages, it goes into a different shape. and there's one on your back."
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whats inside mirrors?
whats inside picture frames?
whats inside toilet paper?
whats inside wood?
whats inside paint?
whats inside red paint?
whats inside white paint?
whats inside pink paint?
whats inside brown paint?
whats inside air?
whats inside purple bubbles?
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me: ozzy, do you want a snack? we have jello.
ozzy: yes.
ok, which color jello do you want? we have blue and we have purple.
blue and... yellow.
we don't have yellow. we have blue and we have purple. which do you want?
i want blue and... orange.
we don't have orange. we have blue and purple.
blue and yellow.
ozzy. we only have blue and purple jello. which do you want?
i want 2 blue and 2 purple.
ok, i don't know what that means.
can i blow in your mouth?
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Q: what color is bear pee-pee?
A: blue.
(me: why is it blue?)
A: because, they have to poop and pee-pee in the woods and it all mixes together and makes blue, silly!
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who lives on saturn?
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"the food goes in my mouth, down my esophagus, into my tummy, then to my large intestine and then out my tushy hole."
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"in the morning, my farts have pictures of the sun on them."
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adam was in the bathroom with ozzy and ozzy said, "oh look, a plumber."
adam said, "no, thats a plunger."
so ozzy said, "oh. a plumber uses a plunger. when there are plums in the potty."
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"tornadoes make a mess!"
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to daddy: "i am tired of mommy."
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what shape is a sting ray?
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"mom, listen, i'm gonna fart."
{insert fart sound here}
"FART-A-ROONI!!!"
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"i'm emptied out of Please's and Thank You's."
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and, as i am in the bathroom, i hear ozzy sneeze a juicy one. so i finish up quick and run out to the livingroom to get him a tissue. he looks at me with horror on his face and says, "did you forget to wash your hands?!?!"

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and from little baby sister zoe...

(this is what you get with a bag of lollipops, a very patient mommy and an 18 month old girl with limited words.)

"ello" means yellow. or purple.

"een" means pink. or green.

or maybe red.

no, "ello". she wants a "ello" lollipop.

no, not purple-ello. yellow-ello.

no, not that color. "een". no, not pink. green.

no, not green. pink. definitely pink. no wait, red.

no, no. "ello". no, "een".

"oo".

do we have any "oo" lollipops?

no. not blue. not THAT blue anyway.

no, she wants "een" again. green-een. no, wait, pink-een.

no, purple. definitely purple. yes purple.

no, she wants marshmallows. ello marshmallows.

oh wait. ozzy's having ritz crackers. ritz crackers it is!