potty training a 14 year old

zoe has been potty training herself for the past 4 days, and she is doing great. except she does not want to poop on the potty(ozzie did the exact same thing) so we do a switcheroo real quick, get the pull-ups on and then she poops and then we put undies back on. but i keep asking before - do you want to try to poop on the potty? and she always says no. bear in mind it's only been 4 days.

just now, she says she has to poop. i ask - do you want to poop on the potty? and she SCREAMS at me - "NO!!! ONLY IN A DIAPER! YOU ALWAYS DON'T LISTEN TO ME! YOU ALWAYS DON'T LISTEN TO ME! YOU ALWAYS DON'T LISTEN TO ME!"

warning: profanity

so the kids are watching this show now called Peep, which is the greatest kids show on TV.

and the episode from yesterday is titled "Under Duck" and zoe was playing around with the words
shunder luck
funder muck
thunder fuck
THUNDER FUCK
THUNDER FUCK!
THUNDER FUCK!!!
THUNDER FUCK!!!
THUNDER FUCK!!!

of course, all our windows are wide open. the neighbors, they love us.

zoe belts out another one:

so it is 40 minutes past test/dinner/shot time for eli, who is sitting very quietly on the floor in the livingroom.
i say to him, "eli! don't be so quiet! we almost forgot about you, silly kitty cat."

and zoe shouts, "TITTY SHITTY SHAT!"

i swear to god i do not use profanities in front of the children.

future family members

zoe: "i am not going to have a lot of pets. just hamsters, guinea pigs, chinchillas and rabbits. i'd better write this down tomorrow. on real paper."

zoe wants to change her name to...

Zoe Caterpillar Etkin

overheard from the livingroom:

"i never get hit by flying cows. i am a very careful chipmonk."

zoe is a real New Yorker

me: zoe, what do you like to see at the zoo?
zoe: butterflies.
me: do you like to see the lions or tigers?
zoe: no.
me: do you like to see the prairie dogs?
zoe: mmm hmm.
me: peacocks?
zoe: mmm hmm.
me: ducks?
zoe: mmm hmm.
me: alligators?
zoe: eh, not so much.

ozzie's homework

make a list of things you see that tell you it is spring:

flawrs
leevus
pollen

zoe's future plans...

"do you know what i want to be when i grow up? a unicorn."

pure oxygen...

ozzie: i love you so much i feel like i am going to explode!

ozzie's sweet whisperings...

"good night, sleep tight, don't let the radioactive spiders bite..."

zoe, whispering to her new stuffed animal...

"do you know what my real name is? SpiderGirl."

overheard from the playroom...

ozzie: zoe! help me!
zoe: help you what?
ozzie: help me!
zoe: help you what?
ozzie: just help me! it's not a knock-knock joke!

zoe's world

i just took a head count and zoe has over 50 stuffed toys in her room alone.
25 of them are on her bed.
there are another 30-odd in the playroom downstairs.
to her credit, she loves them each and all, wholly. she keeps a rotation list in her head as to who gets the coveted position of sleeping in her arms every night. and it's always a different one from whoever got picked to go in the car with her during the day. i have never seen her play favorites.

(which of course brings me to Humpty-Guy. a sad, cute little humpty-dumpty doll that was the object of ozzie's obsession from age 18-24 months. then he was disgarded upon the discovery of Woody. from Toy Story. it doesn't sound good when you have a 2 year old boy playing with his woody in the playground. "woody! wooooodddyyyyy! where's my woody?!? oh! there you are! WOOOOOODDDDDYYYYY!!!"

anyway, i can't even look Humpty-Guy in the eyes, but i do keep him away from the toybox, so as not to have him fall to the bowels and never to be seen again. i keep him prominent in the "bins", but just an arm or leg sticking out so as not to seem too desperate PLAY WITH MEEEEE but also so he is not forgotten. and i have seen Toy Story 500 times too many.)

zoe sees noah (the cat) cleaning himself...

zoe: mommy, what's dat pointy fing?
me: that's his peenie.
zoe: but why is it sticking out?
me: i don't know.
zoe: but why is he licking it?
me: he's just cleaning himself. that's how cats take baths.
zoe: but where's eli's peenie?
me: i don't know. it's not sticking out, is it?
zoe: no... maybe it's under all his fur.
me: yes, maybe. finish your hotdog.

zoe waits for Nana to come out of the bathroom...

"good job, nana! you did it!"

ozzie gets a new book...

ozzie: it's called Walter the Farting Dog.
mom: you know who else's name is Walter? Papa!
ozzie: well then it would be called Walter the Farting Human.

late-night ozzyism

while carrying him up to his bedroom, after falling asleep in the car...

"daddy? if we wanted a fire in the fireplace, and you put newspapers in the bottom, all around, and then put a log on top of the newspaper, and then we found out we didn't have any matches... i could start the fire with my heat vision."

ozzy's future...

"when i grow up, i want to be a limo driver."

zoe, after throwing a Tootsie Roll wrapper on the floor...

"uh, ozzy, guess what. i just littered."