me: Oh, Zoe, you're so cute!
zoe: I know, right?!?

Ozzie: for some reason i can't pronounce amplification, but i can pronounce polyoxybenzylmethylenglcolanhydride.

Non-Sequitur Man

Mommy, did you know that Charlie Chaplin's last movie was in color? Oh, and bananas are slightly radioactive.

good ideas...

ozzie, in response to my suggestion that they put two chairs together to make a tent:

"that's the best idea we've had in 2 1/2 minutes!"

the f-bomb has hit...

some kid in ozzie's class taught him the f-word. he asks me, is there really a such thing as a curse? i said what kind, like a spell? he says no, like a word... like fuck? i said, yes, that's a curse word. he says is it a bad word? i said well, yes. he says why is it bad, what would happen if you said it? i said nothing, it is just rude. it's not something you can say at school. he says if you are in high school or college can you say fuck? i said no, not even daddy can say it at work. he says what does fuck mean? i tell him it means like darn it, but really bad. he says if you say fuck in school you would probably go to the principal, huh? i said yes, i would think so... he says boy i wish i could get that word out of my head.

on emily, in her First Communion dress...

ozzie: "she looked... unbelievable. i'll always remember how beautiful she looked, even for like, 40 years. so when i'm 47, i'll remember how beautiful she looked today when i saw her. but i won't remember what time it was, because i don't even know what time it is now."

sorry to kvell, but...

ozzie's homework assignment was: write a paragraph about a person that you consider to be a hero.

he wrote:

I think a Rabbi is a hero because they help people follow Judaism. A Rabbi teaches people to be good to they're family and everyone. I want to be a Rabbi because they read from the Torah. The Torah is important because it's rules of Judaism and to be a good person. Rabbis are good teachers.

ozzie's first novel

Ozzie and the Tornado
By Ozzie Etkin

Table of Contents
Chapter One
Ozzie

Chapter Two
This House is Flying

Chapter Three
Getting Picked Up Again

Chapter Four
Ending Up in Atlanta Zoo


Chapter One
Once there was a boy named Ozzie. One day, he was sitting under an apple tree. Then he noticed two weird things, one was houses exploding as if a bomb had went off inside it. Another was apples kept falling on his head.

Chapter Two
As soon as he saw a funnel cloud, Ozzie yelled, "Ahhh! Tornado!"
By the time he was at his house, he found himself in a windy dust cloud. When he almost got hit by a tree, he ran inside. When he got inside, he found his family looking down the window (mom, dad and Zoe). When Ozzie looked down the window, he found his house was flying!
When Zoe asked, "Why are we flying?", Ozzie answered, "Because of the tornado."

Chapter Three
A couple of minutes later, they landed in Elk City, Oklahoma where they got picked up again. After a couple of minutes, they noticed they were flying again.

Chapter Four
An hour later, they landed in Atlanta Zoo where they saw Mei Lan and Xi Lan.

The End

zoe's caviar wishes and champagne dreams...

and she's only 5...

"mommy, can someone have 2 birthstones?"
"no, why?"
"because i really like diamonds..."

*pause.*

"and you know that garnet bracelet you have that you never wear? well, if you want, i mean, because you never wear it, you can give it to me, i mean, if you want to..."

*bangs head against the wall*

so ozzie brings home a load of stuff from school, various crumpled papers, all shoved into his backpack.

i ask him, "did you clean out your desk today?" he says, "no."

so i'm going through the papers and i see one that is a drawing of a turkey with feathers, only half colored-in. i say, "what's this? home work?" and he says, "no, that's from thanksgiving. i never finished it. i don't have to bring it back."

"why is it in your backpack?"

he says, "i found it when i cleaned out my desk today."

"so you did clean out your desk today?"

he looks off into the distance and says dreamily, "oh, yeah. i guess i did."

the past 48 hours of my life...

imagine you are cleaning up throw up. LOTS OF THROW UP.

now i'm zoe saying, mommy? should i be a unicorn or a butterfly? mommy? mommy? mommy? should i be a ladybug or a doggie? mommy? do you think pegasuses are beautiful? mommy? mommy? should i be a pegasus? i think i'll be a dolphin. mommy? do you think i should be a dolphin? what color are my fins? mommy? do you like pink better or purple? mommy? mommy? should i be a princess unicorn or just a unicorn? mommy? what should my princess unicorn name be? mommy? mommy? do you like the name sheeshee or queebee better? mommy? mommy?

and then mulitply that by 100.

what i have learned in the past 24 hours...

1. when planning to make a 2-layer 9x12 cake, invest in 2 aluminum pans. don't plan to just make one after the other. this takes, um, all day to do.

2. when trying to de-crumb the second layer of your cake before putting it on top, DO NOT shake the pan over the sink. the cake will fall into the sink.

3. cells phones are truly a god-send when trying to reach a husband on the way home from work, to pick up another box of cake mix.

4. betty crocker cake mix is on sale at Stop & Shop for $1/box.

5. when you need to top a cake with a 12x12 chocolate chess board, a 2-layer 9x12 cake doesn't actually physically work out.

6. when you try to tell your 7 year old that he won't have exactly a full chess board on his birthday cake, but will fit all the pieces on half the chess board, this constitutes "ruining his birthday".

7. you cannot try to de-layer a 2 layer cake to make it one big sheet cake.

8. Stop & Shop's bakery opens at 7am on saturday mornings.

9. next year, order a freaking cake from the bakery.

count down to party: T-minus 5 hours. cake TBD.

spoken like a true vegetarian...

we are watching a man working the barbeque at the local apple picking orchard.

ozzie: "that guy just put one of those... meat disks... right on the flame!"
me: "those are hamburgers, ozzie."

so i am driving to go pick up ozzie from school, zoe is in the backseat.

she says, "uh, mommy, what's that fing there?"
i say, "what thing where?"
"that fing next to you."
(my bag? the tupperware? a water bottle? i have no idea what she is looking at)
"i don't know zoe, what are you looking at?"

silence.

silence.

silence.

silence.

"OK, THAT FING IS DEFINATELY ALIVE!!!"

geez, i almost wrecked the car!
long story short, it was some bug on the side mirror of the outside of the car. sheesh.

watching puffy clouds go by...

me: ozzie, what do those clouds look like to you?
ozzie: (points to one) a tornado.
(points to another one) a tornado.
(points to another one) a tornado.
(points to another one) an avalanche.
(points to another one) a tornado.

ozzie-ism #144

"zoe, you can't force me to do something i don't want to do. that's mommy's job."

this is why i get headaches...

ozzie: mommy, are there sometimes two ways to get out of a maze?
me: yes, it depends on the maze.
ozzie: you mean if it's really hard?
me: yeah, i guess so.
ozzie: but what if there are two ways to get out and one is easy and one is hard but they are both kind of hard?

sweet nothings...

zoe: ozzie?
ozzie: what.
zoe: i love you.
ozzie: i love you too, zoe.

enthusiastic

ozzie, as he is falling asleep:
"my favorite thing now is to play the blues on my harmonica. i had no idea i was so good. i'm enthusiastic for the morning, so i can get up and play the blues."

ozzie is going to start living on air

he is having a moral dilemna while eating an ear of corn because
it's dead.
it used to be alive. when it was growing in the ground.
but now it's dead.
he is eating
dead corn.